News from the Wharton wire
Christian Saarbach, WG'08
Issue date: 4/2/07 Section: Wharton Enquirer
Average Score on Fixed Income Securities Midterm Reportedly Negative Six Percent
The results of the latest Fixed Income Securities midterm are out and the mean score on the exam was a negative 6%, with a standard deviation of negative 12%. This means that 5% of the class fell below the negative 30% barrier. According to an anonymous TA source, "The only reason that the scores were even that high is because the class is ¼ undergrads. Some of the MBA scores were close to negative 100%."
Answers on the exam ranged from identifying the delta and gamma of a six year zero coupon bond as, "a really hot sorority chick," and the duration of a 20 year annuity as, "like forever man." When asked what happened in case of a uniform shift, one student answered, "I didn't bring a change of clothes. How am I supposed to know?" A first-year MBA student who requested anonymity declared, "Now that I've got my internship offer, I've really scaled back my studying big time. Just don't tell UBS. Or my mom, Mrs. Sapp. Or my son, Wes Jr. I don't want to let him down."
The undergraduate TAs for the class appeared to take great delight in marking wrong answers on the MBA students' exams, writing, "Undergradz rule, MBAs drool," in one instance and, "U Stink," in another, followed by a frowning face with its tongue sticking out. One first-year's attempt at restoring peaceful relations with the TA's also fell flat: "Let's go grab a beer and talk this out. Oh wait, you're not 21! Ha ha ha!"
The masochistic students that remain registered for the class will now be faced with the daunting task of reading the 10,723 page bulkpack for the class and then deciding whether or not to actually answer any questions on the next exam. All MBA students expect to defy the averages and anticipate their grade to be, "An A or B, whatever," regardless of their scores.
Average MBA Student Can Only Name Two Buildings on Penn Campus
In a shocking revelation, a survey among Wharton MBA students revealed that, on average, the students can only name two buildings on the Penn campus. While most students were able to correctly identify Huntsman Hall and Steinberg-Dietrich, additional building names were few and far between.
After correctly identifying Huntsman and SHDH, first-year AJ Washington moved on to ask, "Does that white button count? What's the deal with that thing anyway? Am I missing something here? Why is it cut in half? That thing weirds me out."
Fellow first-year William Jarvis also chimed in, "Dude, don't forget about the statue of Ben Franklin. Or is that Thomas Jefferson? One or the other. Either way, that guy totally discovered fire. And was responsible for the crack in the Liberty Bell. Look it up."
Dan Sherwood, on the other hand, was able to name four buildings, as shown in his response of, "Well, there's R2-D2 located on the corner of 38th and Walnut. Then there's that old building with one working water fountain where Siegel teaches, and that place where Pub is, and of course, Wawa."
Former Penn undergrad and current Wharton MBA student Ali Zipf looked to pick up the slack, noting that MBAs should make an effort to become integrated with the rest of the campus. "The campus has a rich history and is one of the foremost educational institutions in the world. There are plenty of buildings other than the ones that we have our classes in that are worth experiencing." She then continued, "Just off the top of my head, there's the Greek Lady, the Magic Carpet food truck, and, of course, Smokey Joe's when you're in the mood for a little late night dorm room action."
Overzealous Cohort Basketball Participant Ignored by Teammates
A recent basketball game between Cohorts B and C revealed a surprising level of sophistication by the C squad. A peek inside the pre-game huddle saw one team member drawing an elaborate defensive scheme designed to, "disrupt their entry passes into the post and cut off their angles of visibility in the drive-and-kick plays when the shot clock is running down." When informed by a teammate that there is no shot clock, he threw down his clipboard and began a convoluted rant about "embarrassing ourselves on national TV."
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one team member said, "I thought he was joking at first, but then he took out a diagram of the 2-1-2 full court press and I knew it was going to be a long day. And don't even get me started on his Mickey Mouse play calls on offense! Everyone knows you screen away from the ball and then curl around for a 12-footer in the lane. Works every time!"
Once the game began, several defensive rotations went unheeded, and Cohort B's strategy of moving as little as possible on the court appeared to frustrate the machinations of the would-be basketball mastermind.
The other members of Cohort C appeared to ignore the constantly shouted play calls of "box-and one," and "2-3 zone," choosing instead to match B's level of casual effort, caused partly by a generally relaxed attitude toward the game, but mostly because of the Cohort B Tequila Night event from the prior evening.
As Cohort C celebrated their hard-fought close victory immediately following the game, Cohort B seemed less than despondent following the loss.
"I'm just happy I made it through that game without an IV," said Cohort B power forward Will Gaunt. "Definitely should've sprung for Patron yesterday instead of buying the cheapest bottle I could find."
In an unrelated story, Cohort B isn't sure whether the basketball squad even made the playoffs.
The results of the latest Fixed Income Securities midterm are out and the mean score on the exam was a negative 6%, with a standard deviation of negative 12%. This means that 5% of the class fell below the negative 30% barrier. According to an anonymous TA source, "The only reason that the scores were even that high is because the class is ¼ undergrads. Some of the MBA scores were close to negative 100%."
Answers on the exam ranged from identifying the delta and gamma of a six year zero coupon bond as, "a really hot sorority chick," and the duration of a 20 year annuity as, "like forever man." When asked what happened in case of a uniform shift, one student answered, "I didn't bring a change of clothes. How am I supposed to know?" A first-year MBA student who requested anonymity declared, "Now that I've got my internship offer, I've really scaled back my studying big time. Just don't tell UBS. Or my mom, Mrs. Sapp. Or my son, Wes Jr. I don't want to let him down."
The undergraduate TAs for the class appeared to take great delight in marking wrong answers on the MBA students' exams, writing, "Undergradz rule, MBAs drool," in one instance and, "U Stink," in another, followed by a frowning face with its tongue sticking out. One first-year's attempt at restoring peaceful relations with the TA's also fell flat: "Let's go grab a beer and talk this out. Oh wait, you're not 21! Ha ha ha!"
The masochistic students that remain registered for the class will now be faced with the daunting task of reading the 10,723 page bulkpack for the class and then deciding whether or not to actually answer any questions on the next exam. All MBA students expect to defy the averages and anticipate their grade to be, "An A or B, whatever," regardless of their scores.
Average MBA Student Can Only Name Two Buildings on Penn Campus
In a shocking revelation, a survey among Wharton MBA students revealed that, on average, the students can only name two buildings on the Penn campus. While most students were able to correctly identify Huntsman Hall and Steinberg-Dietrich, additional building names were few and far between.
After correctly identifying Huntsman and SHDH, first-year AJ Washington moved on to ask, "Does that white button count? What's the deal with that thing anyway? Am I missing something here? Why is it cut in half? That thing weirds me out."
Fellow first-year William Jarvis also chimed in, "Dude, don't forget about the statue of Ben Franklin. Or is that Thomas Jefferson? One or the other. Either way, that guy totally discovered fire. And was responsible for the crack in the Liberty Bell. Look it up."
Dan Sherwood, on the other hand, was able to name four buildings, as shown in his response of, "Well, there's R2-D2 located on the corner of 38th and Walnut. Then there's that old building with one working water fountain where Siegel teaches, and that place where Pub is, and of course, Wawa."
Former Penn undergrad and current Wharton MBA student Ali Zipf looked to pick up the slack, noting that MBAs should make an effort to become integrated with the rest of the campus. "The campus has a rich history and is one of the foremost educational institutions in the world. There are plenty of buildings other than the ones that we have our classes in that are worth experiencing." She then continued, "Just off the top of my head, there's the Greek Lady, the Magic Carpet food truck, and, of course, Smokey Joe's when you're in the mood for a little late night dorm room action."
Overzealous Cohort Basketball Participant Ignored by Teammates
A recent basketball game between Cohorts B and C revealed a surprising level of sophistication by the C squad. A peek inside the pre-game huddle saw one team member drawing an elaborate defensive scheme designed to, "disrupt their entry passes into the post and cut off their angles of visibility in the drive-and-kick plays when the shot clock is running down." When informed by a teammate that there is no shot clock, he threw down his clipboard and began a convoluted rant about "embarrassing ourselves on national TV."
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one team member said, "I thought he was joking at first, but then he took out a diagram of the 2-1-2 full court press and I knew it was going to be a long day. And don't even get me started on his Mickey Mouse play calls on offense! Everyone knows you screen away from the ball and then curl around for a 12-footer in the lane. Works every time!"
Once the game began, several defensive rotations went unheeded, and Cohort B's strategy of moving as little as possible on the court appeared to frustrate the machinations of the would-be basketball mastermind.
The other members of Cohort C appeared to ignore the constantly shouted play calls of "box-and one," and "2-3 zone," choosing instead to match B's level of casual effort, caused partly by a generally relaxed attitude toward the game, but mostly because of the Cohort B Tequila Night event from the prior evening.
As Cohort C celebrated their hard-fought close victory immediately following the game, Cohort B seemed less than despondent following the loss.
"I'm just happy I made it through that game without an IV," said Cohort B power forward Will Gaunt. "Definitely should've sprung for Patron yesterday instead of buying the cheapest bottle I could find."
In an unrelated story, Cohort B isn't sure whether the basketball squad even made the playoffs.
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