Top 10 New Year's Resolutions on campus
Dean Chen, WG '07
Issue date: 1/22/07 Section: Perspectives
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10. University faculty search committee resolves to improve ethical standards and remove "convicted felon" from list of required job qualifications.
9. Outgoing Dean Pat Harker smugly congratulates himself for managing to find a job location even more depressing than West Philly.
8. Anjani Jain changes name to Hat Parker and starts wearing fake mustache, resolves to become next Dean of The Wharton School.
7. OPIM department will use sophisticated Monte Carlo simulations to accurately predict quantity of napkins required to clean drool-soaked tabletops in the OPIM core.
6. Franklin Allen repeats promise to update jokes in FNCE 601 bulkpack/script (for thirtieth consecutive year).
5. Dean Z Chen to launch aggressive re-branding campaign and transform preferred nickname from "the little one" to "the employed one."
4. Wharton Journal to kick off 2007 staff expansion by adding new endowed editorial position: WGA memorial Lockpicker-in-Chief.
3. MBA Career Management to preclude CareerPath downtime complaints by eliminating internet access and accepting resume drops exclusively through first-class mail.
2. ABP employees aspire to install multiple flat-panel televisions in rear of MBA study lounge, watch trashy daytime talk-shows in five languages and three continents simultaneously.
1. Walnut Street entrance guard Charles "The Pain Train" Johnson to take it easy in 2007, now cracking skulls and bringing the pain on alternating Tuesdays only.
9. Outgoing Dean Pat Harker smugly congratulates himself for managing to find a job location even more depressing than West Philly.
8. Anjani Jain changes name to Hat Parker and starts wearing fake mustache, resolves to become next Dean of The Wharton School.
7. OPIM department will use sophisticated Monte Carlo simulations to accurately predict quantity of napkins required to clean drool-soaked tabletops in the OPIM core.
6. Franklin Allen repeats promise to update jokes in FNCE 601 bulkpack/script (for thirtieth consecutive year).
5. Dean Z Chen to launch aggressive re-branding campaign and transform preferred nickname from "the little one" to "the employed one."
4. Wharton Journal to kick off 2007 staff expansion by adding new endowed editorial position: WGA memorial Lockpicker-in-Chief.
3. MBA Career Management to preclude CareerPath downtime complaints by eliminating internet access and accepting resume drops exclusively through first-class mail.
2. ABP employees aspire to install multiple flat-panel televisions in rear of MBA study lounge, watch trashy daytime talk-shows in five languages and three continents simultaneously.
1. Walnut Street entrance guard Charles "The Pain Train" Johnson to take it easy in 2007, now cracking skulls and bringing the pain on alternating Tuesdays only.
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