Raj breaks the big stories, past, present and future
Raj Beri WG'08
Issue date: 12/4/06 Section: Perspectives
ABP Cashier to join Dean Harker in move to U. of Delaware
Nov. 14th, 2006
In a surprising move, The University of Delaware, already having indicated their interest in having Wharton Dean Patrick Harker become their next President, upped their ante and also offered ABP cashier, Margie Smith, the position of Shift Manager at the Chick-fil-A in the Campus Union Dining hall. Many at Wharton were in disbelief that Margie was considering the offer. "Are you freakin' kidding me?", exclaimed a 2nd year student, "From Wharton to Delaware? That's like going from Halle Berry to Oprah, not exactly an upward move if you know what I mean. One's all fine and premium and the other...well it just has a lot of cheese." When asked if the abundance of cheese referred to Delaware or Oprah, the student replied, "Both man. Have you seen Oprah lately?" When reached for comment, Margie responded, "Sure Delaware blows. I know it. It'll be hard not to kill myself living there but it's Shift Manager! It's a natural upward progression from cashier. The ultimate goal in a few years is to be running my own cafeteria at Harvard or Stanford. For that opportunity, I can suck it up and move to Delaware." When reached for his comments, Dean Harker responded, "I'm happy for Margie. She deserves it. Delaware gets a bad rap and besides, let's be serious, Cashier at Wharton ABP doesn't hold a candle to Shift Manager at Delaware Chick-fil-A. There's really no comparison."
As the semester draws to a close, it's a good time to reflect on the last few months at the Big W. For 2nd years that means crying because we realize that our days of being drunk on Tuesdays during the day, face-booking the person you made with out last night at Loie's to see what they look like in daylight and watching episodes of Lost on our video Ipod's during boring lectures, are nearly done. For 1st Years it means only three more semesters of not joining clubs or showing up to Wharton parties to go! (JK. Not really.)
But before we all depart for the holidays, I want to take this opportunity to catch everyone up on some important news stories involving Wharton you may have missed while being immersed in the bubble. Here's a sampling of newspaper headlines from the last few months:
First-year student hospitalized after sitting through consecutive lectures of OPIM and ACCT 620
Nov 29th, 2006
A 1st year Wharton MBA student was hospitalized with a severe case of boredom after sitting through back to back 9 AM and 10:30 AM lectures of OPIM 621 and ACCT 620. A paramedic on the scene commented that they hadn't seen anything like this in their 10 years on the job, "It's like their brain just stopped functioning and they passed out from severe boredom. I mean, sitting through any of these lectures on its own is dangerous to the nervous system, but back to back!? That's just a recipe for disaster!" A fellow classmate commented, "Yeah, normally I either go to OPIM or ACCT, or sometimes neither actually, but to try and sit through explanations of Monte Carlo simulations and then hear about leases and marketable securities, I would never try to do that. That's just crazy!" For many years there have been complaints about the dangers of having two of the most boring and mundane courses at Wharton offered in the same quarter, in back to back sessions, and this latest incident is sure to re-open the debate. A professor in the Accounting department, who preferred not to be named, concurred, "I think it's ok if you break up the two courses with lunch or Managing People at Work, but, wow, OPIM and then ACCT without any break? There should be some law against that." The 1st Year student was reported to be in stable condition and attempts were being made to stimulate brain activity with episodes of the Ali G show and the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. The student is also to be placed under protective care and efforts are being made to ensure he never attempts the foolhardy stunt again.
R. Kelly and former Wharton Professor Scott Ward launch new after-school program in Philadelphia
Sept. 15th 2006
R. Kelly and Scott Ward yesterday announced their plans to open up a chain of after-school and daycare facilities in the greater Philadelphia area, in an effort to give back to the community that has given them so much. The chain will cater to boys and girls from the ages of 7-15 and provide after school activities and supervision to young kids in Philadelphia. We caught up with Kelly and Ward to discuss their new partnership and venture. Kelly commented, "It's really a chance for me to give back to the kids. You know, the children are the future and all that crap. My particular focus will be on providing special care for young girls ages 13-15 who I really love to bring back to my...I mean who I feel have not had the right type of male role models in society." Professor Ward meanwhile is really excited about the opportunity to shape young boys and provide mentorship in this crucial stage of their development, "We hope to offer a nurturing and stimulating environment for kids to spend their time. I particularly feel that the young Southeast Asian male population, ages 7-10, would enjoy my company...I mean the environment we have to offer. And parents should feel comfortable leaving their kids in our care." Kelly and Ward also unveiled their new advertising slogan: 'R. Kelly and Ward: We Love'em your Kids When You Can't', and plan to offer the kids in their program a chance to star in professionally produced movies to be shot onsite at their facilities.
Wharton Replaces Grading System with Stickers
In the latest revision to its grading policy, Wharton announced today it is forgoing its "A, B, C" grading system in favor of a sticker based system. Now, whenever students do real well on an assignment or test they will get a gold star. Better than average efforts will get a scratch and sniff sticker of the fruit variety, average efforts will receive a Yu-Gi-Oh sticker with moveable eyes, and less than satisfactory efforts will receive a Chiquita banana sticker. In explaining the new system, a representative from the Academic Affairs department commented, "We just want to make the whole grade thing more fun! We pretty much throw darts at a board when assigning grades anyways, so this will hopefully make grades less serious. Who wants a C- when they can get a Chiquita banana sticker instead? Yeah, you're still below average but the sticker makes it less harsh. Also, we have some rare 80's era Smurf stickers for those people who really excel in a course. The sticker system also makes the whole grade disclosure issue less important. Sure, gold stars across the board will signal to an employer that you're the s**t, but if they see some Yu-Gi-Oh's and some scratch and sniff stickers on your transcript, employers wont know what the hell is up and just move on."
Wharton announces Tuition Reduction for Class of 2009
Yesterday, Wharton announced a tuition reduction for its full time MBA program, to go into effect in August 2007. Under the plan, Wharton's tuition would be reduced by $5000/ year. In the same memo, Wharton announced it would now be charging students an excise tax for the air they breathe while at Huntsman Hall. A Wharton administration representative defended the new policy saying that, "This isn't ordinary air. We have this stuff shipped in from many places around the world and we're talking premium oxygen here. Not even Vegas pumps this stuff into their hotels. It's not like we're forcing the students to pay this tax though. If they don't like it, they don't have to breathe while at Huntsman. Hold your breath, bring in your own air, whatever; all we're saying is that this stuff ain't cheap and students should foot the bill for the amount they breathe, it's only fair." In a related move, Wharton also plans to move to coin operated toilets within the next year. "50 cents for urinals and a buck for the full service sit down option is the plan. Hey, they do it in Europe so why not here?", said a Wharton facilities spokesperson.
Nov. 14th, 2006
In a surprising move, The University of Delaware, already having indicated their interest in having Wharton Dean Patrick Harker become their next President, upped their ante and also offered ABP cashier, Margie Smith, the position of Shift Manager at the Chick-fil-A in the Campus Union Dining hall. Many at Wharton were in disbelief that Margie was considering the offer. "Are you freakin' kidding me?", exclaimed a 2nd year student, "From Wharton to Delaware? That's like going from Halle Berry to Oprah, not exactly an upward move if you know what I mean. One's all fine and premium and the other...well it just has a lot of cheese." When asked if the abundance of cheese referred to Delaware or Oprah, the student replied, "Both man. Have you seen Oprah lately?" When reached for comment, Margie responded, "Sure Delaware blows. I know it. It'll be hard not to kill myself living there but it's Shift Manager! It's a natural upward progression from cashier. The ultimate goal in a few years is to be running my own cafeteria at Harvard or Stanford. For that opportunity, I can suck it up and move to Delaware." When reached for his comments, Dean Harker responded, "I'm happy for Margie. She deserves it. Delaware gets a bad rap and besides, let's be serious, Cashier at Wharton ABP doesn't hold a candle to Shift Manager at Delaware Chick-fil-A. There's really no comparison."
As the semester draws to a close, it's a good time to reflect on the last few months at the Big W. For 2nd years that means crying because we realize that our days of being drunk on Tuesdays during the day, face-booking the person you made with out last night at Loie's to see what they look like in daylight and watching episodes of Lost on our video Ipod's during boring lectures, are nearly done. For 1st Years it means only three more semesters of not joining clubs or showing up to Wharton parties to go! (JK. Not really.)
But before we all depart for the holidays, I want to take this opportunity to catch everyone up on some important news stories involving Wharton you may have missed while being immersed in the bubble. Here's a sampling of newspaper headlines from the last few months:
First-year student hospitalized after sitting through consecutive lectures of OPIM and ACCT 620
Nov 29th, 2006
A 1st year Wharton MBA student was hospitalized with a severe case of boredom after sitting through back to back 9 AM and 10:30 AM lectures of OPIM 621 and ACCT 620. A paramedic on the scene commented that they hadn't seen anything like this in their 10 years on the job, "It's like their brain just stopped functioning and they passed out from severe boredom. I mean, sitting through any of these lectures on its own is dangerous to the nervous system, but back to back!? That's just a recipe for disaster!" A fellow classmate commented, "Yeah, normally I either go to OPIM or ACCT, or sometimes neither actually, but to try and sit through explanations of Monte Carlo simulations and then hear about leases and marketable securities, I would never try to do that. That's just crazy!" For many years there have been complaints about the dangers of having two of the most boring and mundane courses at Wharton offered in the same quarter, in back to back sessions, and this latest incident is sure to re-open the debate. A professor in the Accounting department, who preferred not to be named, concurred, "I think it's ok if you break up the two courses with lunch or Managing People at Work, but, wow, OPIM and then ACCT without any break? There should be some law against that." The 1st Year student was reported to be in stable condition and attempts were being made to stimulate brain activity with episodes of the Ali G show and the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. The student is also to be placed under protective care and efforts are being made to ensure he never attempts the foolhardy stunt again.
R. Kelly and former Wharton Professor Scott Ward launch new after-school program in Philadelphia
Sept. 15th 2006
R. Kelly and Scott Ward yesterday announced their plans to open up a chain of after-school and daycare facilities in the greater Philadelphia area, in an effort to give back to the community that has given them so much. The chain will cater to boys and girls from the ages of 7-15 and provide after school activities and supervision to young kids in Philadelphia. We caught up with Kelly and Ward to discuss their new partnership and venture. Kelly commented, "It's really a chance for me to give back to the kids. You know, the children are the future and all that crap. My particular focus will be on providing special care for young girls ages 13-15 who I really love to bring back to my...I mean who I feel have not had the right type of male role models in society." Professor Ward meanwhile is really excited about the opportunity to shape young boys and provide mentorship in this crucial stage of their development, "We hope to offer a nurturing and stimulating environment for kids to spend their time. I particularly feel that the young Southeast Asian male population, ages 7-10, would enjoy my company...I mean the environment we have to offer. And parents should feel comfortable leaving their kids in our care." Kelly and Ward also unveiled their new advertising slogan: 'R. Kelly and Ward: We Love'em your Kids When You Can't', and plan to offer the kids in their program a chance to star in professionally produced movies to be shot onsite at their facilities.
Wharton Replaces Grading System with Stickers
In the latest revision to its grading policy, Wharton announced today it is forgoing its "A, B, C" grading system in favor of a sticker based system. Now, whenever students do real well on an assignment or test they will get a gold star. Better than average efforts will get a scratch and sniff sticker of the fruit variety, average efforts will receive a Yu-Gi-Oh sticker with moveable eyes, and less than satisfactory efforts will receive a Chiquita banana sticker. In explaining the new system, a representative from the Academic Affairs department commented, "We just want to make the whole grade thing more fun! We pretty much throw darts at a board when assigning grades anyways, so this will hopefully make grades less serious. Who wants a C- when they can get a Chiquita banana sticker instead? Yeah, you're still below average but the sticker makes it less harsh. Also, we have some rare 80's era Smurf stickers for those people who really excel in a course. The sticker system also makes the whole grade disclosure issue less important. Sure, gold stars across the board will signal to an employer that you're the s**t, but if they see some Yu-Gi-Oh's and some scratch and sniff stickers on your transcript, employers wont know what the hell is up and just move on."
Wharton announces Tuition Reduction for Class of 2009
Yesterday, Wharton announced a tuition reduction for its full time MBA program, to go into effect in August 2007. Under the plan, Wharton's tuition would be reduced by $5000/ year. In the same memo, Wharton announced it would now be charging students an excise tax for the air they breathe while at Huntsman Hall. A Wharton administration representative defended the new policy saying that, "This isn't ordinary air. We have this stuff shipped in from many places around the world and we're talking premium oxygen here. Not even Vegas pumps this stuff into their hotels. It's not like we're forcing the students to pay this tax though. If they don't like it, they don't have to breathe while at Huntsman. Hold your breath, bring in your own air, whatever; all we're saying is that this stuff ain't cheap and students should foot the bill for the amount they breathe, it's only fair." In a related move, Wharton also plans to move to coin operated toilets within the next year. "50 cents for urinals and a buck for the full service sit down option is the plan. Hey, they do it in Europe so why not here?", said a Wharton facilities spokesperson.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Boni
posted 12/04/06 @ 12:48 PM EST
This is hillarious! Especially the Wharton charging for the Air piece.
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