Wharton Journal

Issue date: 11/20/06 Section: Perspectives

My mom has the amazing talent to ask me
agita-inducing questions like:
"Well Obi, have you started thinking about
marriage?"

Actually Ma, I can do you one better. In an effort to
save both time and anxiety in the future,
I've written my wedding vows well in advance.
I hope you like them.

To my dearest [insert name here]...
You've always found a way to warm my heart
Like the smell of a home-cooked meal
And in the kitchen of our love
You are the Lawry's seasoned salt

You are the woman I have searched
my whole life for -
The one I want to have my last name,
Bear our children and raise a family with...
I never thought this day would come but
You are the woman I want to
Split my digital cable bill with forever...

Our relationship has been more than I deserve
And I know it can only get better,
Like a twenty-four hour "Law & Order" marathon,
And with or without the predicate plot twists,
Plea bargains,
Or mandatory life sentences,
I could watch you religiously all day,
Even in syndication...

It's truly a blessed feeling to find
Your one true soul mate and best friend...
I want the entire world to know
Just how madly in love I am with you
And that your job's medical, dental, and life insurance plan
Is comprehensive and extremely affordable...

The moments I spend with you are the best
times of my day
Taking in life's simple pleasures like
Laughing at kids getting spanked in supermarkets,
Ranting about ignorant yuppies or
Eulogizing the lost souls of black Republicans
Loudly...
In public...
At five-star restaurants...

I'll do everything to you,
I mean anything for you...
Let me be the rock you depend on,
The shoulder you can always cry on
Let's make love in places neither our parents
Nor local law enforcement
Would ever approve of...

Let's combine our outstanding debts
Pay more than the minimum due balance
Even open a joint bank account
With the matching checkbooks and leather carrying cases...

Be unafraid to do or look stupid with me
Like 1980s fashion
Never complain if one of us
Puts on a noticeable - but still reasonable -
amount of weight
Or if there are days when the only thing
We can afford to give each other is our love

Let this serve as my solemn vow
My testament before man and God
that I will always
Dedicate myself to you

So marry me [insert name here]:
No pre-nups
No psychiatric screenings,
No receipts and no return policy -
Take me as I am and I promise
That we'll make each other happier each day
Until death, bad hygiene and/or nirvana do us part.

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